Season 23 Ep 218: When They Donโt Like Your Boundary | Was I Wrong, or Just Less Convenient?
Oct 18, 2026
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Making a clear decision is often the easy part. Hearing how someone feels about it is harder.
You finally hear your own voice. You get clear, make the call, maybe even say it out loud. Then someone you love or work with gives you a look, sends a short text, or asks, “Really? That’s what you want to do?” Within minutes you are running a full investigation into whether you are a terrible person.
“Nothing necessarily went wrong. Somebody just didn’t like your choice.”
In the moment, those two things feel identical. They are very different.
In this episode, Karlee opens with a birthday card from her dad, a Mary Oliver poem, and a decision in her late twenties that left a close friend furious. From there she gets into the part of boundary work that trips up so many capable, generous people: what to do once someone pushes back. She explains how to separate feedback that carries real information from the plain discomfort of someone not enjoying your decision. She also covers why a new boundary can expose a whole system that was running on your overfunctioning, and what to do when two good values point in opposite directions.
Karlee reads a note from a listener in Harrisburg who used the question “What would dignity do?” to make a hard call about a sports commitment. She also admits to setting a babysitting boundary with her sister and then renegotiating against herself in the same breath. She closes with a simple prompt for the next time you catch yourself wondering, “Wait, was I wrong?”
If someone’s disappointment tends to change your mind before you’ve had time to think, this episode is for you.
What You'll Learn in This Episode:
(00:00) A Mary Oliver poem and a hard choice in a Miami hotel room
(02:50) The moment after you decide, and the pull of other people’s opinions
(06:25) A listener in Harrisburg asks, “What would dignity do?”
(09:42) When someone’s reaction starts to feel like an instruction
(12:08) Boundaries as a bridge, and the question “Did I learn anything new?”
(15:00) Finding the middle ground between pushover and rigid
(18:20) When your boundary reveals a problem that was already there
(21:40) What to do when two good values collide
(24:35) Permission to reconsider, and how to stop renegotiating against yourself
(28:21) Why good boundaries make communities stronger
(30:40) This week’s practice: pause before you rewrite your decision
Resources Mentioned in this Episode:
Poem: Mary Oliver – The Journey, the poem Karlee’s dad tucked into her birthday card, with the line about “a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own.”
Episode: Ep. 217: Useful Isn't the Same as Worthy | What Would Dignity Do Here?
Program: Boundary Academy is now open for enrollment. Enrollment closes October 19, and the program begins October 22.
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Messy and Magnificent is produced by the folx at Ginni Media.
